


Selfish+Weak

by SlySkySeamen



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Established Relationship, Fingering, Happy Ending?, M/M, Masturbation, Modern AU, Oral Sex, Sex, Sorry Not Sorry, bareback, no one is dead...except kusuhara, not really a plot?, rough-ish sex, underage bj
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 08:40:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13655448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlySkySeamen/pseuds/SlySkySeamen
Summary: “Let’s break up.” the words came out flat, Saruhiko was sporting his best poker face and Misaki could only stare back mouth agape, eyes wide, frozen. Saruhiko made eye contact and Misaki frantically searched for any signs that the other might be joking but there was none. “We’re better off as friends after all.”-“Don’t misunderstand.” Saruhiko whispered. “I only felt like doing this now.” and he kissed his pulse, wet and warm, getting a shudder in response.Misaki’s heart clenched painfully at the confession. Of course none of this had any deeper meaning. At least not for Saruhiko. They only did this for the pleasure, to sate those basic human needs.





	Selfish+Weak

**Author's Note:**

> Hi...it's been a while. ^^; SO, I live in an island and it went through some stuff...basically Hurricane Maria. And going through the crisis I just really needed an excuse to just write some smut and get some angst out of my already muddled head. Not gonna lie, I feel like the 'plot' isn't even there and the whole thing might not even make sense to most people...but somehow I'm still kind of proud of it? This was actually written back on November in the span of 3 days but then I procrastinated with the proof-reading...I'm so responsible. xD
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy!

Misaki jumped on to his skateboard and and pushed away, going as fast as he could. Saruhiko had told him to meet him outside of HOMRA and Misaki had a good feeling about it, their sixth anniversary was next week after all. Sometimes he couldn’t believe it had really been almost six years already. Almost six years of waking up to Saruhiko’s face besides his, of calling Saruhiko his boyfriend, of cooking for his boyfriend and sometimes giving him incentive to eat his vegetables, of loving Saruhiko with all of his being and being loved by Saruhiko. If it was a dream he really never wanted to wake up.

 

They started dating back on the first year of high school. They knew each other since middle school and as the years went by Misaki starting seeing his friend differently. He found certain things charming, like how Saruhiko would stack up the vegetables in his food and arrange them as if making a city or how he would click his tongue whenever he was annoyed or didn’t want to say what was on his mind. He missed Saruhiko a little too much whenever any of them missed school. At one point he just couldn’t stop thinking about Saruhiko, he would wake up thinking about him and he would be on his mind when he fell asleep. It took him a bit to figure out that he liked his best friend and it took him even longer to gather up the courage. He remembers it as if it had only happened yesterday.

 

_15 year old Misaki was waiting on the roof of the school. His heart was beating frantically in his chest. He was determined, today he would tell Saruhiko about his feelings. Saruhiko and him weren’t in the same class this year so they just met up for lunch on the roof but today Saruhiko was late and it didn’t help Misaki’s nerves at all. His hands were clammy and he was starting to sweat a little. He took of his beanie and started fumbling with it while he waited. It was almost 20 minutes in that Misaki started to worry. Maybe something had happened and it was bad enough that Saruhiko hadn’t been able to text him. He put his beanie back on and sped towards the door to the stairs and just as he opened he door he crashed head on into someone, the momentum enough to make both of them fall. Misaki rubbed at his rubbed at his nose and winced, he felt something wet coming out of it._

_“Ah, fuck.” he looked at his hand and confirmed that it was indeed blood. “I’ve got a nosebleed.” distracted by his own pain he never heard the groan from the other person and even sat up on top of them, one hand resting on something soft while the other held his bleeding nose._

_“O-oi.” the voice snapped him back to reality and he looked up startled. His eyes widened and he blinked._

_“Saruhiko?!” he almost yelled. Upon looking closely at his friend he noticed a faint blush on his face and leaned forward, putting most of his weight on the hand he had resting on something soft._

_“Ngh.” Saruhiko’s let out an odd noise and Misaki’s worry grew._

_“Are you okay? Are you feeling sick? Is that why you are late?” Through his rant he kept leaning forward and putting even more of his weight on that hand. Saruhiko had squeezed his eyes shut and the blush had deepened a bit._

_“Your hand.” was all he could wheeze out, voice very strained. Misaki tilted his head in a puppy fashion. He then looked at his hand and it was his turn to furiously blush. He jumped back as if burned. Putting a good amount of feet between him and his best friend. Saruhiko immediately sat up and curled up, knees drawn up and his face on them, hair covering what his knees didn’t. Misaki could see him taking shaky breaths._

_“M-m-m-m-my b-bad. Sorry, I didn’t n-notice.” he was mortified. He was supposed to confess to Saruhiko today, not crush his dick._

_Saruhiko had quickly gotten his breathing back to normal but he was still curled up. He pulled his head away from his knees but didn’t lift it, hair covering down to his nose. “You’re such an idiot.” His voice was back to normal but there was an odd tone to it._

_Misaki looked down at his hands and remembered his nosebleed when he saw the blood on it. He pressed his hand back to his nose and frowned at Saruhiko. “Shut up. I already apologized and I have a nosebleed so we’re even.”_

_“We’re so not even.” Saruhiko muttered, too quietly for Misaki to hear it._

_“What was that?”_

_“Nothing.” Saruhiko huffed._

_Saruhiko had been late because he had gone and bought Misaki some lunch. Or that least that was his excuse. He did buy Misaki lunch, because the other had forgotten his own for some reason, but the reason he took so long is because he took his sweet ass time in an attempt to calm down his nerves._

_He had known since middle that he liked his best friend. Whenever Misaki would look at him with sparkling eyes and call him a genius his heart beat so fast he thought it might explode. He couldn’t help but smile whenever Misaki grimaced at milk or pouted when his mom told him to drink it. When Misaki had told him about getting a place together so that Saruhiko didn’t have to deal with his father he had decided he needed to tell him about his feelings. Living together without getting that out of his chest would just make things awkward. And he had chosen to tell him today. But Misaki had to go and crash into him and then putting his hand right on his dick. Now Saruhiko was curled up, sitting on the floor, mortified. He cursed his stupid teenage body, reacting to something that should have been painful._

_Misaki stared at him and worried once again when a few minutes passed and Saruhiko still didn’t move. “Oi, Saruhiko. You okay?” no response. Misaki looked a his hand and then gently touched his nose. The bleeding had stopped. He got on all fours and crawled towards the other, reaching a hand out tentatively._

_“Don’t.” the word came out sharp and Saruhiko flinched away. He took a deep breath and leaned back a bit, resting his weight on both hands but keeping his knees drawn up and his head tilted down. “I’m fine, just…give me a moment.”_

_Misaki didn’t believe him and stood up and Saruhiko quickly curled up again, hugging his knees once again. “Oi, I don’t know what’s going on but you’re definitely acting weird.” when Saruhiko still didn’t move or say anything, Misaki snapped. He stomped towards his best friend and grabbed him by the shoulders forcing him to look up. Saruhiko now had a very deep blush adorning his face and Misaki had to do his best to not blush back at the sight. “You don’t have a fever, right?”_

_“No, you idiot.” he muttered, looking off to the side._

_“The what is it?” Misaki was almost yelling at this point, he still didn’t know how to control his temper._

_Saruhiko clicked his tongue “Can you just leave me alone for a few minutes?” he was still muttering and had lowered his face once more._

_If Saruhiko wouldn’t tell him then Misaki would just have to find out by himself. He crouched down and tackled Saruhiko, making the other yelp in surprise. They wrestled for a bit but Misaki had always been the athletic one and easily overpowered Saruhiko. Misaki once again sat on Saruhiko’s thighs but this time he had both of his hands pinning Saruhiko’s arms by his sides._

_“Let me go, you damn shorty.” Saruhiko still struggled, fully aware of how futile it was._

_Misaki ignored him, knowing it was just to distract him enough so that the other could slip away. He started inspecting his best friend’s body, looking for bruises on the skin that was visible and then looking over his clothed torso, searching for any bumps or something that might hint at a wound or bandages underneath. Once done with his arms and torso he looked back up at his face and finally inspected Saruhiko’s expression._

_His eyes were squeezed shut and he was frowning, his blush hadn’t lessened at all and now even his ears were red, his jaw was clenched and other than looking kind of …cute…he looked...mortified? Of what though? Misaki frowned, confused. He looked over Saruhiko’s body again and then finally looked bellow the belt. He gasped and blushed even brighter than his best friend. Saruhiko’s eyes snapped open at the gasp and he dared a look at Misaki. Of course poor virgin Misaki was gonna be as mortified as him, he would’ve laughed at him if the situation was any different. Taking advantage of Misaki’s shocked state, he pulled his arms free and pushed the other away. He stood up, ready to run away but Misaki grabbed the edge of his uniform jacket. He looked down at him, Misaki was sitting on the floor, legs tucked under him._

_“What?” he did his best to sound mad but his voice was still soft. Misaki mumbled something with his head tilted down. “Could you repeat that?” his tone a bit exasperated now, he really wanted to go hide in the bathroom until his dick calmed down._

_“...care of it.” was all Saruhiko could hear but got what the other meant. He now noticed that Misaki’s hand was trembling._

_“You’re joking.” he would be lying if he said he didn’t want Misaki’s help but he couldn’t believe his ears._

_Misaki looked at him frowning, still blushing but his eyes were determined. “Do I look like I’m joking?”_

_Saruhiko gasped at Misaki’s expression, it was cute and somehow arousing and he blamed his hormones for how his dick twitched. He took a step back but his back met the railing, he was standing right next to the stairs. Misaki crawled forward a bit and sat with his legs bent under again but this time his knees were apart. He wasn’t experienced at all but he figured this couldn’t be rocket science. He had looked at porn once before out of curiosity and knew a little about blowjobs thanks to it. Of course he had been an embarrassed mess when watching it but now he was grateful he went through that. He swallowed and gently cupped the bulge in front of his face with a shaky hand, looking up when Saruhiko sighed at the contact._

_“F-feel free to p-push me away if you don’t want this.” he didn’t know where the confidence came from or why he wanted to do this but he went with the flow._

_Saruhiko nodded at him and swallowed loudly, aware of how risky this was but not caring too much about it. Misaki took a deep breath and got to work. He undid the button and fly of Saruhiko’s pants and pulled them down to about half down his thighs, the bulge was bit bigger now that only underwear covered it. He could see the outline of his erection now and the sight made him lick his lips, he cupped the bulge once more but this time he squeezed gently, the hiss that escaped the other motivated him._

_He pulled Saruhiko’s underwear down a little and was surprised at the dark patch of hair that greeted him. He himself had barely grown any in that area and they were blonde and short anyways, barely even there; in the back of his mind he was a bit jealous of how best friend was not only taller than him but even looked grown up in this area as well. Getting over his surprise he pulled the underwear down more and pulled Saruhiko’s cock free of its confines. It was different than his, its was paler and probably thicker. He gave it a firm tug and Saruhiko shuddered, they locked eyes and for some reason they both forgot about their embarrassment._

_Misaki looked forward once again and gave a tentative lick to the tip, the warmth and softness feeling nice against his tongue. He licked his lips and swallowed, moving his hand a few times before looking up again. Saruhiko’s pupils were blown wide and his breath was coming out in short puffs. He looked down again, the sight too sexy for his already nervous self; he was also a bit embarrassed at how his own growing erection had twitched at the sight. He opened his mouth and took in the tip without a warning and Saruhiko quickly brought a hand up to his mouth, the other gripping the railing hard. Misaki remembered how they hollowed their cheeks in porn and he sucked, Saruhiko gasped loudly and his hips twitched. Knowing he was on the right track Misaki sucked a bit harder and then let got with a pop. He looked up again to see Saruhiko had tilted his head back and was now panting._

_He licked around the shaft and then licked the tip roughly, flattening his tongue; he then got daring enough to take in his mouth as much as he could and sucked again, humming when Saruhiko’s hand that had been grabbing the railing tangled in his hair, pulling lightly. He felt Saruhiko’s hips twitch again and grabbed them tightly. Misaki looked up and his eyes met Saruhiko’s, making the other groan at the erotic sight and Misaki bobbed his head without looking away. Misaki set a steady pace, hollowing his cheeks and relaxing his jaw, being careful about not grazing the other with his teeth._

_It was oddly intoxicating, feeling the weight and warmth of Saruhiko’s cock in his mouth, his muffled moans and pants completely filling Misaki’s mind. He was so into it that he barely noticed how his throat relaxed and he was slowly taking in more and more of Saruhiko, only becoming fully aware of it when his airway was suddenly blocked and he pulled away, surprised at what he had just done._

_“Holy shit.” hissed out Saruhiko and Misaki looked up, his wet eyes and swollen lips made the dick in front of him twitch. “Do you not have a gag reflex?”_

_“Apparently not.” he smirked, a bit proud of himself._

_Saruhiko sighed and pushed lightly at his head, Misaki happily obliged. He took Saruhiko almost completely in one go and the other muffled his moan by biting his sleeve. Misaki hummed back and Saruhiko’s knees almost gave out, the vibration felt heavenly. He pulled back a little and teased the hole with the tip of his tongue, finally noticing the bitter taste of Saruhiko’s precum. It didn’t bother him though and he just kept going, bobbing his head faster than before and taking Saruhiko down into his throat. He swallowed occasionally and loved the way Saruhiko pulled a bit harder on his hair._

_He was drowning in Saruhiko’s reactions, the occasional twitch when that cock reached his throat and the trembling of the hands tangled tightly in his hair. He kept going, bobbing his head as if he had plenty of experience before this and then he had his nose buried in Saruhiko’s pubes and was swallowing around his cock. Saruhiko moaned, loud even though he was biting down hard on his sleeve and Misaki felt him twitch deep in his throat. Misaki pulled back to about halfway, recovering his breath a bit but not pulling away._

_“Misaki, I’m close.” he knew, he could tell._

_Misaki started bobbing his head again, fast and harsh. When Saruhiko pulled at his hair in warning, he took him whole again and swallowed repeatedly. Saruhiko came with a strangled breath and Misaki stayed still, the cum shooting straight down his throat. As if in a daze Misaki only pulled back when Saruhiko yanked a bit painfully on his hair. He closed his mouth to about halfway and opened his eyes, looking at Saruhiko with glassy eyes. Saruhiko was still coming down from his pleasure high and he inspected Misaki as soon as that fog cleared. For some reason Misaki was still out of it and finally snapped out of it a bit when he saw Saruhiko’s eyes widen fractionally._

_“Did you jizz in your pants?” he asked quietly, voice a bit hoarse._

_The rest of the fog cleared for Misaki and his eyes widened, he looked at his crotch and blushed furiously. His pants had a big wet patch on the crotch area. He could not believe his eyes, he came just from sucking Saruhiko’s dick; he was mortified. He heard the rustling of some fabric, probably Saruhiko tucking himself and fixing his clothes, and then felt him crouch down in front of him. He hunched his shoulders a bit and fisted his hands tightly, unable to look at Saruhiko. But the gentle fingers on his chin surprised him enough to let them angle his head up and Saruhiko’s lips met his in a chaste, shy kiss. It was a simple touch of lips, more of a peck but it was enough for him to widen his eyes and understand the unspoken words._

_“I think we did this backwards.” said Saruhiko, his tone light and teasing._

Misaki came to a stop, HOMRA’s sign bright enough to snap him out of his thoughts. He was blushing madly so he entered the alley at the side of HOMRA to hide while he calmed down. No matter how many times he did those things with Saruhiko he always got embarrassed by the mere thought of it. After that ‘confession’ they went a bit wild and he gladly blames the hormones of their teenage bodies for that; and it was almost a year later that they actually voiced their feelings for each other.

And it was shortly after that they finally gathered up enough money from odd jobs and got a place for themselves. It was small, kind of old and not in the best area but it was cheap and it had quickly become the place they called ‘home’. And that is where they lived to this day.

 

That thought made Misaki frown. If they lived together then why did Saruhiko want to talk to him here? He got a bit of a cold shudder up his spine but he ignored it. A hand on his head startled him and he let out a pathetic squeak. He looked up and was met by Saruhiko’s face, but his expression was odd.

 

“Hey.” he greeted with a smile regardless. He got up on the tip of his toes to kiss Saruhiko but a hand on his mouth stopped him and he frowned. He grabbed Saruhiko’s hand with both of his and held it to his chest.“Is there something wrong?”

 

Saruhiko looked to the side and clicked his tongue. He looked annoyed and at an odd loss for words. Misaki’s frown deepened and he went to tuck Saruhiko’s bangs behind his ears but the other pulled away, leaning against the wall opposite to Misaki in the alleyway. The action made his heart clench in an uncomfortable way.

 

“Let’s break up.” the words came out flat, Saruhiko was sporting his best poker face and Misaki could only stare back mouth agape, eyes wide, frozen. Saruhiko made eye contact and Misaki frantically searched for any signs that the other might be joking but there was none. “We’re better off as friends after all.”

 

‘After all?’ Better off as friends after all this time? “Why?” was the only thing that made it past Misaki’s lips, quiet and strained.

 

“I don’t love you anymore, at least not in the way I did before.” Saruhiko was serious and Misaki started to slowly shake his head in denial. “This relationship is feeling like a chore and it really isn’t working for me in any way.” Misaki’s face was now a mix of horror and pain, Saruhiko looked to the side again and clicked his tongue. “I know you’re gonna need space so I’ll move out. I’ll leave you enough money to pay for the next two months of rent.”

 

Misaki was still unresponsive and Saruhiko turned to leave. He was stopped by Misaki’s trembling hand grabbing his wrist. “Did our relationship mean nothing to you?” Misaki’s head was down and his voice was quiet, wavering.

 

“At some point it did.” he sighed “We’re not meant for each other.” he placed a hand on Misaki’s head, warm and gentle. “We can still be friends if you want, it is what I want anyways. I’ll let you be, feel free to call me or text me.” and he walked away.

 

Misaki stood there for some minutes, his eyes watery but still not quite crying. He was in shock. As his feet slowly led him to HOMRA’s entrance he understood why Saruhiko decided to tell him here. It was so that he wouldn’t be alone afterwards. His chest clenched with a pain he had never felt before, the fact that Saruhiko still cared about him left a bitter feeling in him. Was it his fault? Did he do something wrong? Variations of those same questions were still going in circles in his mind when he steeped in to HOMRA, the bell bringing him back to reality enough to see Totsuka sitting on the couch next to Anna. Totsuka’s smile faltered when he saw Misaki, he smiled apologetically at Anna and walked towards Misaki.

 

“Do you want to go to the backroom?” Totsuka’s voice was soft and understanding. Misaki nodded weakly and led the way to the backroom, once inside he went right for the couch and sat on it. Totsuka sat right next to him and placed a gentle hand in the middle of his back, rubbing small circles on it. He waited patiently for Misaki.

 

“He-” he sobbed, tears finally going down his face. He swallowed and took a steadying breath. “He broke up with me.” the words were shaky and his voice was weak but Totsuka said nothing about it, he just hugged Misaki to his chest.

 

Misaki waited for Totsuka’s trademark phrase but it didn’t come, Totsuka just held him firmly and Misaki cried openly.

 

-

 

Misaki had moved out of that place shortly after as well. Being in his bed and looking at the loft that used to be Saruhiko’s was too painful. And the fact that they had mostly slept together in Misaki’s bed made it pretty much impossible to sleep. He was settled in the University dorms withing two weeks and two more weeks after he felt strong enough to call Saruhiko.

 

The line connected right before the call went to the voicemail. Saruhiko’s voice came quick and hurried, he could hear some typing in the background. “I’m busy at the moment, is it import-”

 

“Saru.” it slipped from Misaki’s lips, soft. He cursed himself inwardly and cleared his throat. “I can call you later then.” his voice was normal now, steady but his chest was tight. He had missed that voice more than he thought.

 

The tipping had stopped. “No, no, sorry. I picked up without looking, thought it was one of my coworkers. How are you doing?” his voice was relaxed, no walls, no indifference, a voice he reserved for Misaki.

 

Misaki’s breath hitched at the question and he ignored it. “I moved out as well so I wanted to give you back the money you left for rent.” straight to the point. Saruhiko’s voice still made him weak and he didn’t want the other to notice.

 

“Oh.” he sounded…odd. “You could have kept it, you know?” he sighed, Misaki’s stubbornness had always exasperated him.

 

“No thanks, don’t need it.” a bit of bitterness slipped into those words. “Can we meet up?”

 

The line went silent for almost a whole minute. “You sure?” his voice was hesitant and the concern in it had Misaki fighting down a little spark of hope.

 

“Yeah. I can go to your workplace if it’s fine with you.”

 

“No, I’ll be out pretty late. We can meet up at my dorm. I’ll send you the number.”

 

“You moved in to the dorms?” his voice got strained a bit towards the end and he hoped Saruhiko didn’t notice.

 

“Yeah, it was the fastest I could find.”

 

“I-” he hesitated, unsure of why he wanted to tell Saruhiko. “I moved in to the dorms as well.”

 

He got a hum in response, and then Saruhiko clicked his tongue. “I’ll send you a text when I’m done here.”

 

“Okay.” and the line cut off. Misaki let his phone fall on his bed and wrapped his arms around himself. His heart was beating fast and his stomach was doing flips. He cursed himself for the umpteenth time and went about getting ready.

 

-

 

He got the text and his heart sank. Of course it would be like this. The wound was definitely still too fresh but he wasn’t going to step back now, even if this new piece of information made his heart both leap and sink. Saruhiko’s dorm was three rooms away from his own. His hands trembled and he punched his bed. His emotions were contradicting. His head was starting to hurt. Another text interrupted his inner turmoil.

 

_‘I’m gonna shower. The door to my room is unlocked, feel free to wait inside.’_

Misaki took in a steadying breath. He looked at himself in the mirror, he looked composed. He put on his beanie and headed to Saruhiko’s room.

 

-

 

Saruhiko stepped under the water, the warmth of it immediately washing away the tension from his shoulders. It seemed like he was tense all the time nowadays. Since he broke up with Misaki he found he had too much free time so he asked his boss for more work and now he was probably overworking himself. It was that or being bored doing nothing. He sighed heavily. He didn’t regret his decision but he had to admit that he missed Misaki’s friendship. He was also worried, Misaki hadn’t taken the break up well. Kusanagi had called him a few times, once to yell at him and the others to update him on Misaki. He had been told about how Misaki slept on the couch in the backroom for a week before Mikoto told him to get his shit together. How Misaki had lost weight and was probably still losing it. How he had moved out but refused to throw out whatever Saruhiko had forgotten when he moved out.

 

Saruhiko sighed again and started shampooing his hair. He felt bad, he still cared about Misaki but they were better off this way. He couldn’t keep playing along. He had noticed the change a few months prior. He didn’t crave Misaki the same. He started turning the other down whenever he wanted sex. He would kiss Misaki’s cheek whenever he left the house and would cut it short any time they made out.And Misaki ignored all of it, he probably chalked it up to Saruhiko being moody. And that pissed Saruhiko a little. When their anniversary drew near Saruhiko decided that enough was enough. He wasn’t satisfied with their relationship anymore and he figured he wasn’t meant for Misaki. His love for Misaki had faded and probably mean it had never been as real as he had thought.

 

The click of the door to his room closing brought him back to reality. Misaki had arrived quicker than he had anticipated. He finished his shower and clicked his tongue as he started to dry himself. He didn’t bring any clothes with him. Oh well, Misaki had seen him naked plenty of times so it wouldn’t be bad if he saw him with only a towel ,right? He wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped out of the bathroom; and he quickly realized his mistake. Misaki stared at him, wide eyed and a blush spreading on his face immediately. He saw how those eyes sparked with want but it was quickly replaced with hurt.

 

He frowned and held in a tongue click. “Forgot to take some clothes with me.” he explained while quickly getting what he needed and going back into the bathroom.

 

Misaki jolted when the door closed, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He missed Saruhiko too much and knowing that the other didn’t love him anymore made him want to break down all over again just at the sight of him. He blinked back the warmth on his eyes, he refused to show Saruhiko his weakness. He opened up the envelope he brought with him and recounted the money. The distraction worked and he was back to normal by the time Saruhiko emerged once again, this time fully dressed. Saruhiko dropped heavily on his bed and finally looked at Misaki.

 

“Sorry about that, had a long day at work.”

 

“It’s fine.” Misaki muttered while stuffing the money back into the envelope. “Here. I moved out pretty quickly so I didn’t have to use any of it.” he threw the envelope at the other, knowing Saruhiko’s reflexes were good enough to catch it without looking and he did.

 

“You really could have kept it. I know your part time jobs barely pay enough.” Saruhiko laid down on the bed, looking at the ceiling.

 

“I found a full time job, I can take care of myself.” He sounded a bit petulant and he saw Saruhiko smirk.

 

“You sure? You always sleep through your alarms in the mornings and can’t even drink your milk, Misaki.”

 

“Shut up, you’re not any better. Without any vegetables it’s a surprise you’re alive.” Misaki’s tone was light. It felt like they were back in middle school, bickering just cause.

 

“And I’m still taller than you.” Saruhiko’s smirk widened, he won this one.

 

“Damn monkey.” an easy smile formed on Misaki’s lips. The ache dulled a bit at the easy way they exchanged words. _It’s not the same but I think I can settle with being just friends._

__-_ _

__

Another month had gone by and things were almost back to how they were in middle school. They talked everyday, met up in either of their rooms several times a week and played video games until late into the night and they worked around their schedules to visit the arcade as well. It was nice and Misaki was now used to ignoring the dull ache in his heart. Saruhiko would sometimes get all serious and ask if he was fine and had made a few comments about him needing to gain a bit of weight and those were the only things he still couldn’t get used to. It would make his stomach turn, his chest clenching, but he would force up a smile as best he could and tell Saruhiko he was fine.

 

Currently they were in Saruhiko’s room, watching a movie that Misaki had insisted was worth it. Saruhiko had been bored from the beginning but he didn’t say anything, he was tired anyways so being able to chill was fine by him. The movie was half an hour in when Saruhiko dozed off. Misaki turned when his friend didn’t reply to his question and was met by his peaceful sleeping face. Saruhiko had been sitting on the bed, his back against the wall and had at some point laid down on his side and fallen asleep. His dark hair fell across his face, his glasses were crooked and his lips were slightly parted. Misaki felt his face grow a bit warm, normally he would have kissed him awake and then curl up with him in bed but he couldn’t do that now. They were just friends now. He jolted when he noticed he had sat on the bed and was already leaning down. He figured there was something he could do without crossing the line. He gently took off Saruhiko’s glasses and tucked his hair behind his ear, smiling when Saruhiko leaned into his touch. He felt that spark of hope in his chest and the stab that followed right after. His smile turned bitter as he ran his fingers through dark, silky hair. He went back to his previous spot, sitting on the floor with his back against the bed.

 

The credits were starting to roll when he felt movement behind him, he turned his head and saw Saruhiko rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. The sight was truly charming and Misaki turned back to the TV, his heart beating furiously. He stood up to turn off the movie, figuring he should go back to his room and let Saruhiko sleep.

 

“So I slept through it.” his voice was bit deep with sleep, Misaki jumped and turned. He thought Saruhiko would just go back to sleep but he had sat up and put his glasses back on.

 

“You’re not gonna go to sleep?” he turned back to put the movie in its case. Saruhiko’s heavy lids reminded him too much of all those times they made each other writhe in the bedroom.

 

“It’s not that late. I thought you would want a rematch for the beating I gave you a few days ago.” he smirked and Misaki’s heart skipped a beat. When Misaki’s usual childish remark didn’t come Saruhiko frowned. “It’s fine if you want to go though.” he sighed and stood up. He started unbuttoning his shirt and walked towards the bathroom. “I’m gonna shower so lock the door if yo-” the arms that wrapped around his waist from behind stopped him in his tracks.

 

“This isn’t crossing any line, right?” Misaki’s voice was small and soft and he tightened his hold a little.

 

Saruhiko sighed, a bit of guilt creeping up on him. “No, it isn’t.” he rested a hand on Misaki’s and felt a warm breath on his back. He knew he still caused his friend pain and he hated that. But he still preferred this to keeping up an act.

 

“Then let’s stay like this for a little bit.” Misaki’s voice wavered on the last words and Saruhiko reacted, surprising even himself. He turned around and wrapped his arms around Misaki in a protective embrace. Misaki gasped, stiff but quickly relaxed and buried his face on Saruhiko’s bare chest.

 

“If it’s too painful you can just tell me to go away and I will.” his voice was soft and Misaki grabbed Saruhiko’s shirt tightly. It truly was almost too painful.

 

“You going away would be worse.” lies. It would probably be better in the long run but Misaki couldn’t bring himself to let go, even if all he could have was a friendship. “We’re better off as friend rather than strangers, right?” he looked up and smiled, but it only contained sadness.

 

Saruhiko felt a tug at his heart and he chalked it up to guilt. “Right.” he ran his fingers through copper locks and Misaki sighed.

 

They stayed like that for some minutes and Misaki felt himself relaxing maybe a little too much so he pulled away. “Thanks.” he said awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. “I’m going to my room. Goodnight.” with that he waved and left.

 

Saruhiko stood on the same spot, his heart doing a thing he couldn’t understand. He ran a hand through his hair and tugged hard, a maniacal smirk splitting across his face. He deserved that weird tug, that thing he though was guilt. It was fair considering how much pain he could see on those hazel eyes. Pain that he caused. He felt that same tug at his heart but this time stronger. It’s guilt…right?

 

-

 

It’s two month later that Misaki finds himself holed up in his room, frustrated. Casual touches had become a norm between him and Saruhiko once again. It was all chaste, messing up Misaki’s hair whenever he was acting like a brat, leaning against each other when watching movies, hugging whenever Misaki needed it. Their friendship wasn’t what you would call normal anymore but Misaki wasn’t going to complain. That change had actually helped him deal with the pain after all. But it also made him hopeful and that landed him in this situation.

 

He was frustrated. He had tried everything he could by himself but it wasn’t enough. And maybe it was just him and his stupid hope but he could swear that Saruhiko was affected as well. Misaki was sexually frustrated and it mortified him. He was supposed to meet up with Saruhiko in the arcade in a few hours and he was currently sitting on the edge of his bed, looking at his erection standing in a mocking way between his legs. He fell back with a groan. No matter how many times or how he masturbated he just wasn’t satisfied. And he knew the reason. His body wanted Saruhiko, he needed Saruhiko.

 

His phone beeped, a message. He reached for it and opened the text. His blood ran cold.

 

_‘Are you in your room?’_

_‘Yeah, why?’_ he sent his reply while running around looking for some clothes and a hoodie that could hide his predicament.

 

“Then open up, dammit. I knocked already.” came an annoyed voice from the other side and Misaki tripped, cursing loudly when he fell on his face. “Are you dying in there?”

 

“Shut up, give me a second!” he yelled and stood up, rubbing his chin. He tied his red hoodie around his hips and looked at himself in the mirror. It didn’t cover it entirely but it would have to do. Saruhiko wouldn’t look down there anyways, right? He went and opened the door and felt his blood drain when Saruhiko smirked. “W-what?”

 

“What were you doing in there, Mi-sa-ki?” he leaned in close to Misaki’s face. “Your face is red and I heard you running around. Did I interrupt something?” his smirk only widened when Misaki blushed even more.

 

“S-shut up. Don’t be r-ridiculous.” he stuttered and looked away. He really wanted the floor to just open up and swallow him.

 

“Oh?” Saruhiko took a step forward and Misaki took one back instinctively. Saruhiko closed the door behind him and locked it. “Am I right then?” Saruhiko was just fooling around but seeing Misaki’s flustered expression made him want to press on. “ Should I lend you a hand?” he lowered his voice, deep and breathy.

 

Misaki’s breath hitched and his dick twitched. He wanted to tell him yes, to lend him a hand and maybe even more but he knew it would cross the line. He swallowed and looked at Saruhiko. His eyes were half lidded but there was no want in them. Of course, Saruhiko was just fooling around and he was affected anyways, so weak. He cleared his throat and turned around, sitting on the edge of his bed and crossing his legs, doing his best to cover his hard bulge.

 

“What are you doing here?” Saruhiko raised a brow at him but said nothing. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

 

“Canceled.” the word was flat and he stared at Misaki slightly confused. “Are you…nevermind.” he looked away with a slight frown.

 

“What?” it was Misaki’s turn to be confused. Did Saruhiko look…uncomfortable?

 

“Nothing. Thought we could go to the arcade now.”

 

Misaki grinned. “Someone’s eager.”

 

“Am not.” he opened his mouth but quickly closed it. He closed his eyes and sighed. “Anyways, you want to go now or not?”

 

Saruhiko wouldn’t look at Misaki and that made him frown. He couldn’t remember the last time Saruhiko had looked so awkward. “I’d say lets go now but you’re acting weird.”

 

Saruhiko finally looked at him. “Oh?” he stepped towards Misaki and stopped in front of him, leaning slightly forwards. “I’m the one acting weird?” he smirked again. “I’m not the one hiding something.”

 

Misaki twitched. “What are you talking about?”

 

Saruhiko looked like he was debating something and suddenly clicked his tongue. He put a hand on Misaki’s shoulder and pushed, making the other fall back with a yelp. Before Misaki could protest, Saruhiko spoke. “You never sit with your legs crossed, Mi-sa-ki.” Saruhiko was leaning over him, arms caging Misaki in.

 

“So? What is that supposed to mean?” his voice wavered, having Saruhiko this close was no good, not right now.

 

“Why are you wearing that old hoodie?” Misaki couldn’t reply, he had no excuse. That hoodie had been one of the things he had bought with his first paycheck ever, he stopped wearing it ages ago.

 

Saruhiko chuckled and put a hand on the hoodie, Misaki grabbed it.

 

“Don’t.” his hold would probably leave a mark on Saruhiko’s wrist but he didn’t care. This was humiliating.

 

“Is Misaki frustrated?” his voice was husky and Misaki whimpered. Saruhiko shifted, he straddled Misaki’s hips and leaned in closer, his mouth right by Misaki’s ear. “I am too.” he ground his hips down and Misaki gasped.

 

Saruhiko was half hard. He was affected as well. Misaki whimpered again. He hadn’t imagined that sexual tension, it was very much real. Misaki covered face with a hand, he could feel Saruhiko untying his hoodie. He felt a gentle hand grab his wrist and slowly pull it away from his face.

 

Saruhiko’s breath hitched. Misaki’s face was flushed, he had a cute frown on his brow, slight pout on his lips, his eyes were watery and there was a spark of want in them. Saruhiko wanted this as well, he had seen the tent on the other’s pants and tried to ignore it but Misaki was too alluring. He swallowed. “Is this okay?” Misaki nodded but he could see the doubt in those eyes. “Are you sure?”

 

Misaki looked away and took a few seconds before he replied. “I don’t know.” he sighed and looked back at Saruhiko’s eyes “But I want this.”

 

Saruhiko sat up and undid Misaki’s pants, freeing his erection quickly. Misaki gasped and reached for Saruhiko’s pants. He looked at Saruhiko for permission and when Saruhiko nodded he took no time at all in freeing the other’s cock. He couldn’t take his eyes away, it had been too long. He firmly grabbed the base and tugged up slowly. Saruhiko hissed and saw Misaki’s erection twitch. Saruhiko placed his thumb on the tip of Misaki’s dick, spreading the heavy beads of precum that steadily flowed out. He knew Misaki had been hard for a while now. He started a steady pace, tugging from the base to the tip, squeezing the tip a bit before going back down and Misaki panted and squirmed at his touch. Misaki started working on him as well, touching all of his favorite spots, twisting his wrist a bit in a delicious way. Saruhiko panted in unison with Misaki and they unconsciously matched their paces, completely in sync.

 

Saruhiko snaked his free hand under Misaki’s shirt, pushing it up, and leaned down. Misaki moaned when he felt Saruhiko’s mouth latch on his nipple, he squeezed the other a bit harder by reflex and Saruhiko moaned back. Misaki placed a hand on Saruhiko’s hip and pulled, Saruhiko obliged, understanding what Misaki wanted. They both groaned when their cocks touched, the familiar warmth and slickness made both of them shudder. Misaki took both erections and set a harsh pace, they were both getting close. Saruhiko sucked on Misaki’s other nipple and his hand joined Misaki’s on their cocks. Their moans and pants filled the room, both of the lost in the pleasure they had been craving for so long. Saruhiko started thrusting against Misaki, the extra friction was heavenly. Their pace turned frantic, Saruhiko’s thrusts got harsher, and they came together.

 

Saruhiko fell limp on top of Misaki, not caring about the mess between them. They stayed like that until their breaths evened out. Saruhiko was the first to move, he got off Misaki and sat at the edge of the bed. Now that the fog had cleared up he couldn’t believe they did that. Saruhiko held his head on both hands. His heart was doing that weird tug thing and his mood turned sour quickly. He didn’t understand it. Or maybe he was in denial. He looked back and saw Misaki covering his face with his arms.

 

“I’m going back to my room.” he stood up. “Text me if you still wanna go to the arcade.”

 

Misaki heard the door open and close and let out a shaky breath. The pain was back. He was sated but he felt empty. After moping for a few minutes, he stood and entered the bathroom. He showered and then laid in bed. He didn’t text Saruhiko that day.

 

-

 

Misaki was sitting on a stool in HOMRA, sipping on a cocktail that Kusanagi had mixed for him. He had been moping for a few days now. It had been eight months since Saruhiko broke up with him and seven out of those had been spent seeing Saruhiko every other day. But now Saruhiko had been avoiding him for a week. Every time he would text or call, Saruhiko would excuse himself saying he was busy with work and university and Misaki was pretty sure it was all a lie. He didn’t know what had happened, if he had done something wrong and somehow pissed the other off. And now his birthday was coming up and he couldn’t will himself to be excited about it.

 

He missed the other. And their unique ‘friendship’. Ever since the day they gave in to their sexual tension, jerking each other off had somehow become a thing as well. They never talked about it but they had somehow come to a silent mutual agreement. Whenever one of them was aroused, the other would automatically take care of it. After the first time it had certainly been awkward for Misaki. In between the ache, the hope and the embarrassment he was at a loss for what to do but Saruhiko easily solved everything by coming over to his room the next day with the newly released video game Misaki had wanted to play. A few days later he went to Saruhiko’s room and the other wouldn’t answer so he twisted the doorknob experimentally and found it unlocked which was very odd. Getting a bit worried he slowly walked in and the sight almost made him combust. Saruhiko had his dick in his hand and Misaki acted on pure instinct, helping Saruhiko with both his hand and mouth.

 

After that it quickly became a pattern. A pattern that Misaki was reluctantly missing as well. He let his head fall heavily on the bar and groaned. He was quickly getting frustrated once again and Saruhiko was avoiding him today as well. The bell on the door to the bar pulled him out of his thoughts.

 

“Ah, Yata. Are you still moping?” Totsuka’s smile didn’t fit that greeting. Misaki stayed silent and Kusanagi replied for him.

 

“Fushimi is still avoiding him.”

 

“Hmmm. I see no need to be sad.” Totsuka shrugged as he sat on the stool next to Misaki.

 

“Of course you don’t.” his tone was bitter.

 

“He’s probably planning something for your birthday.” Totsuka’s optimism wasn’t something Misaki wanted right now.

 

“Yeah right. What could he be planning that would make him avoid me for almost two full weeks before my birthday?” he frowned at Totsuka and the other smiled even wider.

 

“Probably something special for his equally special friend.”

 

Misaki couldn’t help but hope Totsuka was right, and the usual ache accompanied that hope. He scoffed and kept sipping his drink. He left some words unspoken though. _Spending my birthday with Saruhiko would be enough for me._

__

__-_ _

__

It was the day before his birthday that Saruhiko finally appeared. Misaki had been taking a nap in his room when some loud knocking woke him up. He slowly sat up and the insistent knocking started to piss him off.

 

“Hold on a second!” he yelled irritably. He stood up and stretched, fixed his clothes a bit and made his way to the door. When he opened the door his eyes widened. “Saruhiko?”

 

“No, your mother.” he drawled and rolled his eyes. “You gonna let me in or what?”

 

Misaki blinked and stepped aside, closing the door after Saruhiko. His surprise quickly turned into anger though. “Why have you been avoiding me?”

 

Saruhiko plopped down on Misaki’s bed, laying face down. He sighed and turned his head. “I haven’t been avoiding you. Got a bad case at work.” he sounded and looked thoroughly exhausted.

 

Misaki got the feeling Saruhiko wasn’t lying but he still wasn’t buying it. “Show me proof.”

 

Saruhiko clicked his tongue and shifted to his side. He digged into one of his pockets and pulled out a folded envelope. He held it out to Misaki and when he reached for it Saruhiko grabbed his wrist and pulled hard. Misaki fell on the bed and Saruhiko hugged him tightly, curling around him. Misaki blushed a little, confused by the other’s actions. “I’ll show you proof later.” the words were soft, spoken into Misaki’s hair. Saruhiko sighed deeply and buried his fingers in the hair on the back of Misaki’s head. Misaki just laid there and heard how Saruhiko’s breathing evened out. He closed his eyes and sighed, Saruhiko’s breathing lulling him to sleep.

 

He woke up to fingers gently going through his hair. Saruhiko had woken up just a few minutes prior but he still hadn’t moved or loosened his hold. Misaki pulled back a little and the fingers stopped. He looked at Saruhiko’s face but the other wasn’t looking at him. Saruhiko was blankly staring at the wall, as if deep in thought.

 

“Are you gonna tell me what happened?” he kept his voice soft. Saruhiko blinked a few times as if coming out of a daze and looked at him. Saruhiko sighed and loosened his hold.

 

“One of my coworkers was killed on duty.” the words hit Misaki like a bucket of ice cold water. Saruhiko huffed a dark chuckle. “That’s not what got to me though. It was his partner’s reaction.” Saruhiko frowned, his hands twitched. “He lost his mind. He tried to kill the captain. Called him a murderer as they restrained him and took him away. The look in his eyes…it was horrifying.” Saruhiko had closed his eyes and his frown deepened.

 

Misaki was shocked, he could hear on Saruhiko’s voice how bad it affected him. He sounded vulnerable and afraid. He didn’t think he had ever heard Saruhiko like that before. It made him want to comfort the other, so he did what he could. He shifted a little and wrapped his arms around Saruhiko, in the same way Saruhiko had before. He felt Saruhiko gasp against his chest and tightened his hold a bit.

 

“If you need comfort you can just say so, you idiot.” he ran his fingers through Saruhiko’s hair and the other sighed.

 

“Who says I need comfort?” he retorted but his voice held no bite and he didn’t pull away.

 

Misaki smiled at his friend’s stubbornness and looked at the clock on his nightstand. Ten past twelve. What he wanted for his birthday had already been granted.

 

-

 

Saruhiko woke up surrounded by warmth and a familiar scent. He didn’t even notice when he fell asleep. His emotions were a mess. When he saw Zenjou’s eyes, the pain in them, his mind was plagued with thoughts of Misaki. Would he go insane if Misaki died? Can he even live without Misaki? Those thoughts confused him. He didn’t love Misaki anymore, right? Then why did his heart clench so painfully at the thought of Misaki being gone? Why did his heart leap in joy when Misaki embraced him last night? Why is it that all he could think of lately was Misaki? It was like high school all over again.

 

Except it was all fucked up and wrong because he had broken up with Misaki. He broke his heart and continued to cause him pain. He could see it, no matter how hard Misaki tried to hide it and say he was fine, the hurt was clearly visible in his eyes. All because of his selfishness. He knows that keeping Misaki close is hurting the other but he doesn’t let him go because he still wants him. Because he can’t imagine a life without Misaki in it.

 

Misaki’s stirring stopped his thoughts. He pulled away a little and watched how Misaki slowly wakes up. He ignored the leap his heart does when Misaki smiles at him and pulled away enough to roughly ruffle Misaki’s hair.

 

“Happy birthday, Misaki.” Misaki giggled and sat up, stretching a little. Saruhiko fought down the urge to just fuck Misaki senseless as a birthday present and said instead. “If there is anything you want, now is the time ask.”

 

Misaki blinked and thought about it for a few seconds and then the smile was back. “Lets spend the day together.”

 

Saruhiko nodded and couldn’t help but smile back when he saw no hurt in Misaki’s eyes.

 

-

 

They got breakfast together and then headed for the arcade. After some hours of playing, Saruhiko winning and Misaki throwing a tantrum, they got some late lunch and ended up going to the movies against Saruhiko’s will. Now they sat on Saruhiko’s bed, Misaki leaning on his shoulder, playing co-op on a game they had already finished. Misaki was truly happy, he had managed to forget about that constant ache that assaulted him whenever he looked at Saruhiko. Instead he solely focused on the now, on enjoying the other’s company regardless of their past. It was nice but it was slowly coming to an end.

 

Saruhiko paused the game and Misaki looked up at him. “Your room or mine?”

 

Misaki blinked. “You want to…” he couldn’t finish the sentence, his face starting to feel warm.

 

“No, you virgin. To sleep.” Saruhiko flicked his forehead and Misaki glared at him.

 

“Oh. Here is alright.” he was surprised but he certainly wasn’t complaining. Last night had been very refreshing and a repeat was more than welcome.

 

Saruhiko, stood up and fetched some of his smaller pajamas and threw them at Misaki. They played for a bit longer and then tucked in to bed, Saruhiko kissed Misaki’s forehead and wrapped his arms around him. As he drifted off, Misaki had only a single thought on his mind. _It’s almost like we are back together._

__

__-_ _

__

Another two months had gone by and Saruhiko was being odd. Well, more than he already was anyways. Lately Misaki had been very confused by Saruhiko’s actions. Of course, like anything else, they didn’t really talk about it but Saruhiko had been oddly affectionate since Misaki’s birthday. They would sleep together at least twice a week, Saruhiko would sometimes hug him out of nowhere or just lean on him whenever they were watching the TV or playing co-op. It was almost like they were together again. Except Saruhiko had told him he didn’t love him nine months ago and hadn’t gone back on his word. They also didn’t really go the whole way when they got sexual and they hadn’t kissed even once on all those months. It was all odd, not normal at all.

 

And now Saruhiko was kind of avoiding him again, today was the third day. It wasn’t like before, Saruhiko was only avoiding him at night. He would make up weird excuses and just vanish, it was starting to annoy Misaki. He sighed, he really should be paying attention instead of thinking about Saruhiko and his ever odd behaviour. Misaki was sitting in class, pencil in hand but not really taking any notes. It wasn’t like the class was hard anyways and he could also just ask Saruhiko for help if he couldn’t understand something. Misaki was oblivious to the door of the classroom opening and the professor frowning at the newcomer.

 

“Mi-sa-ki, did your single cell overheat?” the teasing voice made him snap his head to the side, meeting Saruhiko’s eyes. He blinked, the whole class was staring at them and he felt his face get warm.

 

“What are you doing here?” he hissed, standing up and grabbing Saruhiko by the shoulders to push him out of the classroom.

 

“I needed to tell you something and I was close by so I dropped in.” Saruhiko shrugged as if his actions had been perfectly logical.

 

“You could have texted me!”

 

Saruhiko clicked his tongue. “Whatever, just make sure you are free tonight.”

 

Misaki blinked and Saruhiko turned around, walking away at a brisk pace. Misaki was still, standing dumbly for a few minutes before going back to the class, getting a glare from the professor. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful and he kept thinking about what might be going through Saruhiko’s head. He was currently in his room, staring blankly at the clock. It was almost nine o’clock and still no sign of Saruhiko. He had taken a shower not too long ago and was wearing a robe, not sure of what clothes to wear. He didn’t even know if they would be going somewhere.

 

Misaki smiled and laughed a little. Saruhiko was such a mystery most times, it was part of his charm.

 

The thought made his smile turn sad, a dark voice in the back of his mind reminded him of Saruhiko’s words on that alleyway. He really should talk to Saruhiko. It may have been his wistful thinking but he could swear he had seen that familiar spark on Saruhiko’s eyes a few times; the love and affection they had shown for him for almost six years had come back. Had Saruhiko really stopped loving him? At some point he had believed that but now he wasn’t so sure. And if Saruhiko hadn’t stopped loving him, then why did he have to say those painful things? This was all so stupid.

 

A knock made him sit up, startled. He quickly answered the door and Saruhiko had barely looked at him and clicked his tongue. “I thought I told you to be ready.” he was a little out of breath and was still wearing the same clothes from when he interrupted Misaki’s class.

 

“You didn’t. Just tell me what we’re doing and I’ll get dressed.” he was already turning when Saruhiko grabbed his wrist.

 

“Can’t. There’s no time so come on.” he pulled and Misaki stumbled.

 

“What? What do you mean?” he was confused but was already walking out to the hall and locking his room.

 

“You’ll see.” and Saruhiko grabbed his hand and pulled. Misaki shook his head but let himself be dragged anyways.

 

They ran through the halls of the dorms. Misaki had no clue what Saruhiko had planned but he was getting excited regardless. He looked at Saruhiko, his face was a bit flushed from running and he had a slight smile on his face. It reminded him of middle school, how they would run away from the third years that tried to mess with them. Saruhiko would always look like he was enjoying himself even if he denied it, and that’s how he looked now. Misaki smiled, his heart beating fast for another reason besides the running. They had exited the dorms and were now climbing up the stairs of an abandoned building right outside the university campus.

 

They reached the roof and the floor started shaking lightly. _An earthquake?_  Just when Misaki started getting nervous, Saruhiko placed a hand on his shoulder. “We made it in time.”

 

Misaki looked at him confused and then followed his line of sight, he saw a shadow in the sky and tilted his head. Then the wind picked up, strong enough that he had to hold tightly on to his robe so it wouldn’t open. “What is that?”

 

Saruhiko didn’t look at him but replied. “Remember that urban legend from middle school?”

 

The shadow seemed to be quickly approaching, the wind getting stronger. And then he recognized it. A blimp. His eyes widened, it was going to pass right over them. He was frozen and speechless. It was coming fast and in no time it was over them. The air was pressed down and it became thick, pressure was put on their ears. Although it had to be several meters high, it’s size caused the illusion of closeness. If he stretched out his hand, would he be able to touch it? But he couldn’t stretch his hand or move in the slightest. He was overwhelmed by the pressure, only able to stand upright. The whole thing lasted only a moment. The sky’s crushed height returned to normal and when the pressure released the ground felt unsteady.

 

“It’s real.” was all he could mutter as he turned, eyes still glued to the blimp.

 

“I found information about it on some old archives at work. It took me a bit to find a good spot to see it.” Saruhiko sounded just as overwhelmed as him.

 

“That…was amazing.” Misaki smiled, big and wide and looked at Saruhiko.

 

Saruhiko looked at him and his heart skipped a beat. Misaki was beautiful and smiles like that one always did things to his heart. “Glad you think so.”

 

-

 

They made their way back to the dorms, going in to Saruhiko’s room. Misaki threw himself on Saruhiko’s bed, the run and the overwhelming feeling had drained whatever energy he had left. He curled up into a fetal position, his back towards the other.

 

“There’s something I have to take care of. I won’t take long.” Saruhiko quietly slipped out of the room, trying to not disturb the already falling asleep Misaki.

 

Misaki laid in the bed, unmoving and relaxing, the adrenaline from before slowly leaving his body. When drowsiness came, he reached for the pillow and hugged it tightly, burrowing his nose in it . He took a deep breath, smile forming on his lips at the scent of the pillow’s owner. He fell asleep briefly and awoke just as quickly. Saruhiko came back, being silent to avoid waking Misaki, but the soft creak of the door had already done that. Misaki stayed still, feigning sleep and listening closely to what Saruhiko might be doing. Saruhiko had stopped, he had noticed something that Misaki was unaware of. The robe rode up when he curled up and his underwear was on display for Saruhiko. He smirked, devilish idea already on his mind.

 

Misaki was thinking about just going back to sleep when he felt someone warm lean over him, breath ghosting the back of his neck. Misaki shuddered; Saruhiko got on the bed and pressed his upper body against Misaki’s back. He blew on his neck and placed a warm hand on his backside, squeezing once before slipping his hand under his underwear, finger circling his entrance. Misaki gasped, breath coming out a bit harshly from excitement alone. Saruhiko pushed the finger in a bit and Misaki gasped louder. The dry digit caused a burning friction that brought both pain and pleasure. Saruhiko pulled his hand back and Misaki sighed, disappointed.

 

Saruhiko chuckled and brought his hand to Misaki’s mouth, caressing his lips until his fingers were granted access. Misaki sucked on them lewdly, knowing Saruhiko loves a good show. Saruhiko hummed in response, his half hard dick twitching from the feeling on his fingers. Saruhiko kissed Misaki’s neck, nibbled a bit and then sucked hard, leaving a mark behind. He pulled his fingers away when Misaki gasped and pulled his underwear just past his butt cheeks. He nibbled and sucked at Misaki’s neck and rammed a finger into his ass down to the knuckle, being rewarded with a moan that was the perfect mix of pain and pleasure. The burning friction was uncomfortable and delicious. He curved his finger a bit but didn’t really move it, letting Misaki get used to the intrusion. Once he felt those hips twitching he took the finger almost completely out and thrusted it back in, curving it again, this time looking for something. He kept thrusting that finger, changing the angle slightly each time. And then the feeling turned heavenly, Misaki’s walls clenched and his whole body twitched in anticipation. Saruhiko smirked triumphantly and Misaki could feel his breath on his ear.

 

“Don’t misunderstand.” Saruhiko whispered. “I only felt like doing this now.” and he kissed his pulse, wet and warm, getting a shudder in response.

 

Misaki’s heart clenched painfully at the confession. Of course none of this had any deeper meaning. At least not for Saruhiko. They only did this for the pleasure, to sate those basic human needs. Misaki swallowed the heavy lump that now blocked his throat, grateful that in this position Saruhiko couldn’t see the pain that was evident on his face. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, forcing all thought to the back of his mind and focusing on the sensations on his body. If he could only have Saruhiko’s body then that would have to be enough. He would have to learn to be satisfied with only his friendship and the casual sex.

 

Saruhiko noticed that Misaki was somewhat distracted and frowned, he had an idea of what the other was thinking. Saruhiko licked his shoulder and then bit down, hard, a bit of a coppery taste hit his tongue. Misaki cursed and tensed but didn’t pull away or tell him to stop. Saruhiko pulled away and smirked, Misaki had always been a bit of a masochist.

 

He curved his finger again, pushing against Misaki’s prostate. Misaki moaned, mind finally going blank. Saruhiko pushed a second finger in, this time going slowly and scissoring them only after Misaki started pushing back on to them. Pants and gasps filled the room, the occasional moan going straight to Saruhiko’s dick. Misaki was now painfully hard and he reached down to take his erection out of his underwear, whimpering when the sensitive tip was exposed to the cool air. He wrapped his hand around it, jerking it lightly and Saruhiko hummed when he noticed.

 

“Getting desperate?” Misaki could hear the smirk in his voice.

 

“Shut up, it’s not like you’ll hurry up unless I beg.”

 

“You won’t know until you try.”

 

The insult Misaki was gonna throw at him turned into a moan, Saruhiko had finally pushed a third digit inside him and went straight for that heavenly spot. He stilled his fingers and used that time to take out his cock, sighing once free of the confines. That warm breath right on his ear had Misaki whimpering, hips twitching against the fingers spreading him wonderfully but it was still not enough. He suddenly had the urge to kiss Saruhiko, he tilted his head slightly to the side before he caught himself and opted for biting on his knuckles instead. Saruhiko saw his odd behaviour and figured out his intention, he gently caught the other’s jaw with his free hand and tilted his head back.

 

“No.” whimpered Misaki weakly and immediately cursed how pathetic he sounded. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Let’s draw the line there.” _It would be too painful otherwise._

Saruhiko frowned but let his jaw go, a bit of guilt present in his heart. He knew how his friend was feeling but he couldn’t stop himself, that was the kind of selfish creature he was. He started thrusting his fingers, purposely avoiding Misaki’s prostate and solely focused on stretching him. Misaki panted heavily and moved his hips against the fingers, the teasing almost unbearable but his pride wouldn’t let him beg. He had already humiliated himself enough. He turned so that his upper body faced down, placed the pillow and buried his face in it to muffle whatever plea might escape him. After a few more thrusts, Saruhiko deemed him loose enough and pulled his fingers out, seeing the heavy sigh that left Misaki and chuckling.

 

“Raise your hips.” he commanded while looking for the lube and the condoms. He opened the second drawer on his nightstand and clicked his tongue. “I’m out of condoms.”

 

“It’s fine.” Misaki cut in a bit too fast and he cursed himself for it. He buried his face even deeper into the pillow and missed how Saruhiko raised an eyebrow.

 

“You sure? Not going to complain about it being unsafe now?”

 

Misaki was usually all about healthy sex but the need was overwhelming him, condom or no condom he really wanted this. “Just do it before I change my mind.” and he buried his face in the pillow again, this time to also hide the darkening blush on his cheeks.

 

The thought of Saruhiko entering him bare, skin to skin, was suddenly a lot more intimate than anything they had done before. He was already having seconds thoughts, his heart beating way too fast for it to be only caused by some fingering. He fisted his hands on the pillow and jumped a bit when he felt Saruhiko place a hand in his hip to steady him. Saruhiko was lubing himself up with his other hand, a groan leaving him at the sensation after ignoring his need for so long. He lined himself up, the tip of his cock softly pushing at Misaki’s wet entrance. Misaki tensed and trembled, his heart was clenching painfully while his body betrayed him and just begged to be brought to climax.

 

“Come on, relax.” Saruhiko slapped his hip lightly and leaned down close to his ear. “This isn’t the first time we fuck.” and Misaki couldn’t hold in the whimper at how close that voice was.

 

_But it is the first time it feels this intimate._ Misaki thought bitterly and willed himself to relax. Saruhiko nibbled at his earlobe and grabbed his dick with the hand he had been holding his hip; he squeezed the tip and Misaki moaned, finally relaxing. He took that as his cue and started to push in slowly, gripping hard Misaki’s hip and feeling how he still trembled. They both let out a deep breath once Saruhiko was completely seated inside and he finally understood why Misaki was trembling.

 

It was different, he couldn’t explain it but it was certainly new. He could feel everything before but now he was more aware of everything; the friction, the warmth, the drag and pull, the way Misaki’s body just accepted him like he was meant to be there. He looked at where their bodies connected and gave a soft, shallow thrust; his felt a tug in his heart at the sight. A gasp left him when Misaki moved against him and he both saw and felt how his hole twitched around his cock; it clicked.

 

This was more intimate. Saruhiko frowned and grasped Misaki’s hips with both hands, stilling him. He had already decided he and Misaki were not meant to be and now that they were done, he discovers a new level of intimacy he didn’t even know about; ironic. He could feel the guilt from before resurfacing but they were past the point of no return so he pushed it down; he pulled almost all the way out and then thrust back in harshly, hitting his prostate dead on. Misaki moaned so loud that the pillow barely muffled it and he clenched tightly around Saruhiko; he hissed in return. He set a steady pace, deep and slow.

 

Misaki bit into the pillow, almost overwhelmed by the feeling. He could feel his eyes burn and he closed them, refusing to cry. He moved his hips back, urging Saruhiko to go faster; desperate for that white hot pleasure that would make him forget the pain in his heart for at least some minutes. Saruhiko caught on and fastened the pace but purposely missed his sweet spot, not wanting to finish things just yet. He reached down and untied Misaki’s robe, slowing the pace a bit to help the other slip it off his shoulders. He threw the robe aside and looked down, taking in that sweaty back he was so familiar with. He leaned down and started kissing up his spine, relishing on the shudders that ran through Misaki’s body and he sped up the pace again.

 

Once he reached the nape of his neck he bit down harshly; Misaki moaned and tightened up around Saruhiko. He moaned and readjusted the angle, his chest now flush against Misaki’s back; his thrusts reached even deeper and hit Misaki’s prostate dead on. Misaki could hear and feel how affected Saruhiko was which only served to push him closer to the edge. Between the weight on his back, the warm pants on his neck, the little whimpers and groans against his ear, how deep Saruhiko reached, the abuse on his sweet spot, Misaki was now truly overwhelmed.

 

His face felt wet and he knew it wasn’t just sweat but he couldn’t give it much thought. Saruhiko’s thrusts turned frantic, he was getting close as well. He let go of his hips and wrapped his arms around Misaki’s torso, he nuzzled his neck. Misaki was moaning almost nonstop now, the embrace almost pushing him over.

 

“Misaki.” and that did it.

 

He half sobbed, half moaned into the pillow, his body convulsed as his cum landed on the bed sheets in thick spurts. His walls clenching and twitching brought Saruhiko to orgasm as well, he let out a strangled moan against Misaki’s ear, tightening his embrace and thrusting weakly while his cum filled the other, warm and sticky but not unpleasant. It only added to the intimacy, almost feeling like Saruhiko had now marked him inside as well. Another sob left him and he prayed Saruhiko didn’t notice.

 

Misaki relaxed his hands but kept his face on the pillow, he felt Saruhiko’s breathing slowing down and his cock softening. After a few more seconds Saruhiko let him go and straightened up, pulling out of Misaki and watching how his ass slowly closed up, catching a glimpse of the white mess he left inside. The sight was oddly erotic and he found himself blushing. He looked away and held in the tongue click. He plopped down besides Misaki and turned away from him to hide his blush.

 

“Don’t you want to clean up?” the words came out softer than he intended and he frowned, closing his hands in tight fists. His emotions were a mess right now and it all confused him.

 

Misaki silently slipped away from the bed and made his way to Saruhiko’s bathroom, locking the door once inside. He looked at the mirror, his reflection was still flushed, sweat now drying but his bangs were still wet and his hair was a mess. Something frustrated him though, the tears that still freely flowed down his cheeks. He tried to get mad at himself but the pain was too much and he only made himself cry even more. He sobbed, hand covering his mouth, muffling the already quiet noise.

 

He pulled off his underwear, it had been just past his ass the whole time and now it was dirty with lube and cum. He now realized that the only clean thing he had was his robe and a bitter chuckle escaped him. Now he would have to stay here while Saruhiko fetched him some clothes or he would have to wear some of Saruhiko’s. He couldn’t even make his escape while the other slept.

 

With a heavy sigh he finally got in the shower and turned on the water. The water was cold and it made him aware of something warm slowly seeping out of him. More tears rolled down his face at the reminder. He hesitantly touched his entrance, Saruhiko’s cum was thick and sticky. He could feel humiliation peeking its ugly head. Saruhiko had now officially claimed him in every way possible and he couldn’t blame anyone but himself; all because he was weak. Weak to Saruhiko. He took a step back and his back met the wall; he slid down, knees drawn up and face hiding in them. He just sat there, crying, until a timid knock startled him. He lifted his head and looked in the direction of the door.

 

“Are you okay?” came the flat voice but he could tell the other was worried and that made his heart clench. “If you’re feeling sick I can get you some stuff for it. I also figured you probably won’t like going back to your room in only a robe so I could go fetch some of your clothes if you want.”

 

Misaki silently thanked whatever entity there was that Saruhiko was smart and cleared his throat. “I’m fine. And yeah, I definitely need some clothes.” he was thankful his voice didn’t waver but it did come out a bit raspy.

 

“Alright, be right back.” he could hear Saruhiko step away and the door to the room open and close.

 

He stood up and took a deep breath, the surprise actually calmed him down a bit. He touched his ass once more and this time he blushed, thinking about how lewd it was that now he had to basically finger himself if he wanted to get clean. He shook his head in an attempt to clear away the dirty thoughts and went about cleaning himself. He was already drying himself when another timid knock startled him.

 

“I would put your clothes in there but you locked the door.” his tone was a bit petulant and it brought a sad little smile to his face. “I got you some ginger ale as well in case your stomach is upset.”

 

Misaki didn’t answer and instead just walked to the door and opened it. They just stared at each other for a second, both holding their breaths and unsure of what to do. It was incredibly awkward and a bit painful for Misaki. He broke eye contact and looked at what the other was carrying, he had a plastic bag in one hand and Misaki’s clothes on the other. He grabbed his clothes and muttered a quick thanks, closing the door and locking it once more. He leaned against the wall and ran a hand through his hair frustrated. He was now pretty sure Saruhiko was also affected by what they just did. They were both awkward and acting like idiots. He heard the plastic bag land not too gently somewhere and then the door to the room closed roughly.

 

Saruhiko was confused but mostly furious at himself. He was currently sprinting down the stairs, wanting to run away and doing just that. Just like he always did. Why was he in pain? Why is it that seeing Misaki’s red and puffy eyes made him want to stab himself? Didn’t he break things with Misaki because _he_  didn’t love Misaki anymore? What is going on? He slowed his pace, taking a look around. Of course, of course he would end up making his way to that sick place without noticing. He glared at it, wishing that he could make it catch on fire with his sight alone. The HOMRA sign was turned off but he could see a few people inside. Totsuka was animatedly talking to Mikoto who had Anna sitting on his lap, leaning against his chest while napping. Kusanagi was behind the counter polishing a glass and smoking, smiling at whatever he could overhear from Totsuka.

 

He clicked his tongue, the whole sight just made him think even more of Misaki. The times when Misaki was all smiles and hearing him laugh was the norm. The times when Misaki looked up to him, told him he was amazing, told him he was a genius. The times when Misaki’s eyes only sparkled with joy and affection that was reserved for Saruhiko and Saruhiko alone. And he himself had ruined that. He ran his hands through his hair, pulling on it, frustrated, angry, pained.

 

He turned away from the bar and walked toward the alleyway. The same one where he had told Misaki that they weren’t meant to be. He leaned against the wall and slipped down it, legs stretched out. He looked up at the sky, the moon was shinning brightly and a few stars were visible; the sight was a bit too beautiful for how terrible he felt. His eyes started burning and he grimaced, he tilted his head down and closed his eyes but the tears still fell down. How pathetic, he was now crying because of something he himself had caused. He didn’t deserve Misaki, not after breaking his heart and now making him cry just because he got turned on and couldn’t keep it in his pants. He took off his glasses and scrubbed his face harshly with both hands.

 

He sat there for the better part of an hour, the tears had already dried up and he just blankly stared at the wall in front of him. All that went through his mind was self loathing. He thought about apologizing to Misaki and chuckled darkly. He knew he would be forgiven, he knew how much he affected Misaki and it made him sick. Misaki deserved better. But he still wanted Misaki. He had accepted why he was in pain. He still loved him. He never actually stopped loving him. He scrubbed at his face with his sleeve, cleaning up whatever evidence there was of his crying, and stood up. Even with everything he had done, he was gonna go back to Misaki to ask for forgiveness and tell him he still loves him. Because that is the kind of selfish creature he is.

 

He walked back to the dorms and once there he walked towards Misaki’s room. He got a feeling Misaki would want some time alone and had gone back to his own room for it. Once in front of the door, he took a deep breath. He was nervous; he knew he would be forgiven but that didn’t mean Misaki would forgive him right away. It could take days, weeks, months, who knows. Telling himself that he could wait for years if Misaki wished so, he knocked on the door. And waited. After five minutes he knocked again. And after another five he knew he was being ignored. His chest clenched painfully and anxiety reared its head. He sighed and cleared his throat.

 

“Misaki, I know you’re in there.” after a minute of silence he sighed again “I need to talk to you.” he heard a noise inside and knew Misaki was listening.

 

Misaki’s heart was beating a mile a minute. Saruhiko had run away and now he was back. Why? Had he really had enough? Was he going to tell Misaki that this was a definite goodbye? He couldn’t bear that thought and his eyes watered again. He heard a soft thud against the door.

 

Saruhiko leaned his forehead against the door. He took in a shaky breath and knew his voice wouldn’t be stable but he needed to say it before Misaki got any weird ideas. “I’m sorry.” his voice was full emotion and shaky. “I was wrong and fucked up.” his voice broke and he took in another shaky breath, he licked his lips and bit the bottom one, anxious and frustrated. “Please just let me talk to you and explain even if you won’t forgive me.”

 

Misaki couldn’t believe his ears, he just stood there in shock, eyes wide and filled with fresh tears that flowed freely. The emotion in Saruhiko’s voice was surreal, it was heavier than the night before his birthday; he had never heard his voice like that. With trembling hands he unlocked the door and opened it slowly. Saruhiko was looking down but Misaki saw his eyes widen slightly. Saruhiko swallowed and looked up, the sight immediately making him feel a stabbing pain in his heart.

 

“Misaki.” his voice was pained and Misaki visibly flinched at it. Saruhiko slowly reached out a hand, as if handling a scared little animal and when Misaki didn’t pull away he cupped his cheek wiping away the tear with his thumb. “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I know I’m an asshole, and I’m selfish, but please don’t cry.”

 

Misaki was confused. He didn’t know if he was happy or angry. He kept desperately looking at Saruhiko’s eyes, and he could see he was being honest; and he could also see two things that made his chest ache in different ways, Saruhiko had been crying and there was a familiar spark in those eyes that brought him hope. He looked down, no longer able to hold that gaze and he was suddenly surrounded by warmth. Saruhiko embraced him, tightly and gently. One arm around his waist and the other around his shoulder, hand resting against the nape of his neck and gently holding Misaki’s head against the space between his neck and shoulder. Misaki took a deep breath, Saruhiko’s familiar scent flooded his nose. He couldn’t stop the tears, he was still overwhelmed because of what they did just an hour ago and now this, it was too much.

 

“I love you.” Saruhiko’s voice was soft and honest. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you. I was just stupid and selfish.” his voice got shakier the longer he talked. “I’m sorry” he whispered and tightened his hold on Misaki.

 

After a few seconds of shock, Misaki returned the embrace just as tightly. “You’re such an asshole, you stupid fucking monkey.” his voice was shaky but relief was also there. He felt the tension leave Saruhiko along with a deep sigh of relief. “Don’t go relaxing yet though, you still owe me an explanation.” he pulled his head back a bit while he said that, making eye contact with Saruhiko once more.

 

Saruhiko had the faintest of smiles on his face and his eyes looked a bit too shiny but Misaki didn’t say anything about it. “I know, but how about we sit down for it. I kinda need to think how I can explain it so that even you can understand.” a full smirk now split his face and Misaki pulled away and pushed him on the shoulder for that but sat down on his bed nonetheless. Saruhiko sat right next to him and took a deep breath, trying to organize his thoughts as best he could. “A few months before I…” _broke your heart._  he hesitated. “broke up with you, my feelings changed. I stopped craving you. Any kind of intimacy with you just felt like a chore.” he looked down, Misaki gasped but said nothing. “I still cared about you but I figured that if I was feeling so dissatisfied it just had to mean I didn’t love you anymore. Even now I still don’t really understand what exactly happened but I am certain that I love you and deeply regret ever telling you I didn’t.”

 

“You can be such an idiot sometimes.” the words came through clenched teeth and Saruhiko knew Misaki was about ready to hit him.

 

“I know.” he admitted softly. “I’m sorry.”

 

Misaki said nothing for a while and Saruhiko started getting anxious. After a few tense minutes of silence Misaki’s hands relaxed and he huffed. He finally looked at Saruhiko, his face oddly calm. “I’m glad you explained yourself, but you truly are terrible.” he chuckled, bitter. “It’s not gonna be the same as before right away. Even if I forgive you right now, the pain you caused is still fresh.”

 

“I know.” he muttered.

 

Misaki smiled, a mix of fond and sad. “I forgive you.” he sighed and leaned his forehead on Saruhiko’s shoulder. “I really am weak for you.” he whispered weakly, barely audible.

 

Saruhiko’s fingers gently grabbed Misaki’s chin and lifted it. He leaned close and looked at Misaki’s lips. “Can I?”

 

Instead of replying Misaki just closed the gap. The kiss was soft and slow, filled with all the emotions both of them were feeling. Misaki sighed into the kiss, he had really missed this. They pulled away and touched foreheads. Saruhiko cupped Misaki’s cheek and sighed.

 

“I was wrong.” he pulled Misaki in to his chest, the other’s ear close to his heart. Misaki closed his eyes, the sound of Saruhiko’s fast heartbeat was soothing. “We are meant to be.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> So how was it? Good? Bad? A poor excuse for smut? Maybe a bit long? Any kind of feedback is welcomed~
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> See ya~


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